I'm not sure what this makes me, but...

I slept in my truck last night.

It was very uncomfortable. I lamented the fact that the driver and passenger's seats have little cushion-y sides on them, rather than the whole bench seat being flat. It was hot, and I had to crack the windows, exposing myself to any flying insects that found the sliver of an opening. I could only lay on my stomach to accommodate the shape of the seats, and I had to fold my legs in a diamond shape.

And yet...

Once I fell asleep, I stayed asleep. I did not wake up numerous times in a panic, thinking there was a scorpion on me. The peace of mind sleeping outside in the truck gave me over having to sleep in the "infested" house was worth it.

I woke up very appreciative of my truck and the safety it afforded me... which is still a better love story than Twilight.

Sorry, that only felt right.

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Wherein Kristin loses her mind and moves into the middle of the ocean...

If you read my post yesterday, you will recall that I opened my eyes to find a scorpion making its way across my pillow towards my face. I can think of better ways to start my day, for sure. Like, waking up to find it's 10:00 AM and I've overslept 3 and a half hours before a job interview. Or, inversely, waking up thinking I have 3 hours to still sleep only to discover I beat my alarm by 3 minutes. At least those scenarios, while frustrating, aren't so traumatizing that I can NO LONGER SLEEP EVER AGAIN.

The first half of yesterday was fine, in spite of the drag having an adrenaline rush so early in the morning leaves on you. I had 9 whole hours I could get away from the house and not worry about scorpions! Well, minus the time I spent yesterday slapping at myself every time my hair or shirt tag brushed my skin. Which was probably the equivalent of about 3 hours.

As the day progressed, however, so did the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I had to go back into the house. I had to somehow sleep in the house. How in the world was I going to manage?

Fortunately, I was spared from some of my usual Wednesday evening time in the house by going to a painting class, where I painted this:

You lush.

I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out, considering I haven't painted anything since probably 3rd grade.

I also ironically drank some wine while painting wine, so heading home, the scorpion thing didn't seem like such a bad deal.

Until I got home. And there, looming in a deceptively comfortable looking state, sat my bed. Calling to me. Beckoning to me. "Sleeeeep. SLEEEEP!".

I wasn't having it, however. I got ready for bed, which didn't consist of much considering I slept fully dressed, turned out the light in my room, and peaced out. Romeo slept in there on his dog bed, as he is a brave boy, but Fiona, Ramses and I stayed in the living room.

I turned the lamp and Christmas lights that are still strung up in the living room (like a coupla rednecks) on, along with the tv, and sat down and played solitaire. Over. And over. Trying to tick away the nighttime hours, when scorpions are most active. But then, alas, my phone started dying, so I had to go plug it in and then go back to the couch, where I just stared at it for a few minutes. Finally, I gingerly picked up all of the blankets that were draped over it and moved them across the room, then went through all of the cushions, one-by-one. I found some forgotten cheerios, but no creepy-crawlies. I then looked over the sides, back and front of the couch, and the space around it. Nothing. So, I carefully laid down in the fetal position. I was up and down for a little while, from the tingly sensations washing over my skin that felt like little segmented feet, but I finally chilled out and kind of dozed off sometime after 12.

BUT THEN THERE WAS A SCORPION CRAWLING UP MY CHEST AND...! I jerked straight up, breathing fast and hard, only to find no scorpion. Apparently my cruel subconscious dreamed it was running up my body. After my heart finally slowed from its frantic tempo, I got up to check the time. 4:00 AM. I threw a small tantrum that it wasn't time to get up yet, and, after checking the cushions again, laid back down again. I noted that the tv was playing an episode of Law and Order with my favorite agents (Detectives Goren and Eames), which apparently comforted me enough that I could drift back to sleep. I guess I figured that at least if I died by scorpion sting, they'd be around to make notes and give my last regards to my family. Or something.

And I think I managed to stay asleep until a little before 6:30, when my mind reminded me that was the time yesterday the scorpion decided to drop in on me. I figured I could call the night a success as I had seen no actual scorpions, got up, and got ready for work.

But now I am SO exhausted. In fact, I wore my glasses today so I could take a nap at lunch in my relatively safe office. Is this my life now? Until winter hits in January, I'm not sure I'll be able to feel safe in my bed, let alone my house. I at least get to spend the weekend with some friends at the lake house, but I have another long night between now and then. I'm just hoping I can make it to the house without falling asleep at the wheel tomorrow evening.

I know I'm obsessing, but scorpions are my biggest literal fear (only behind my biggest figurative fear, zombies), and waking up with one has not been a kind experience for me. Or it, I guess, since it's no longer with us.

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Sixth Sense...?

This morning, around 6:30, I awoke to the sound of my cat doing something on the floor at the foot of my bed. I have a lot of papers right there, and it sounded like he was chasing something through them. So I turned on the light, got out of bed, and grabbed a flashlight to look for intruders of the barbed-tail kind.

He was hitting the bed where the blanket is tucked under the mattress, and he was holding his paw in the air, like he had been stung. I CAREFULLY looked through the blanket and under the bed with my flashlight, not finding anything. I looked around the papers that were scattered, as well. A cap that had been sitting in the area had been knocked under the bed, so I carefully fished it out and looked it over.

After finding nothing, and because I was still very sleepy, I shook my blanket out (just in case) and [foolishly] laid back down, turning off my lights. I thought that maybe Ramses was just playing with one of his mouse toys, and that's what all the ruckus was. I couldn't shake, however, the feeling that there was something in my bed. I felt like there was something crawling on me. I sat up again, turned on my lamp, got out of bed, and checked myself out in the mirror in the bathroom. Still, nothing. I went and laid back down again, feeling very drowsy. This time, however, I left my lamp on.

I can't tell you how long I laid there afterwards. Maybe 3 minutes? I had the blanket wrapped around my arms and shoulders. Suddenly, my eyes shot open, and all I saw was something brown walking on my pillow towards my face, probably about 3 inches away. I shrieked, swung my blanketed arm at it, knocking it away, and leaped out of bed. Somehow I managed to grab my glasses in the process. I screamed probably 5 more times, for good measure, then went and stood in my bathroom, shaking and hyperventilating. About 30 seconds later, my roommate was at my door, asking if I was ok. I think I said no. She came in and just said, "Where is it?". I said I didn't know, I had knocked it off my pillow. She went and grabbed a shoe, and I shook myself out, making sure it wasn't in my hair. I heard her come back in my room and start smacking the floor, so I walked back out to find a pretty big scorpion crushed on my floor. At this point, I was pretty numb, just kind of passively observing. She scraped it up with a dust pan and took it outside while I cleaned the spot it had left on the floor.

Scorpions have long since passed spiders as being my #1 fear, ever since I found the first few in my house about a year ago. Last summer, while I was living alone, I found one on a shirt I was about to pack into a suitcase. I wish that was the extent of my experience with them.

Sunday, I picked up a pile of towels off my floor to go dump them into the washing machine. I was walking through the kitchen when I suddenly felt a pretty intense prick on my back. My roommate was standing there, so I asked her if there was something on me, because I felt like I had been bit. My hair was down, so she had to move it to the side, meaning she didn't see the large, hair-colored scorpion on my back between my shoulder blades at first. "Don't move. Seriously don't move." I knew then what it was. I apparently balled my hands into fists so hard that I broke the skin of my palms with my nails and didn't realize it. She knocked it off my back with a towel and told me to get out of there, so I ran, flailing (as I am wont to do), and lost my glasses in the process. As I stood there, blind, apparently the scorpion followed me across the floor (but thankfully not up my leg), because she killed it about a foot and a half from where I was standing. Oddly, aside from feeling like a very intense mosquito bite for about 15 seconds, I didn't have any other painful sensations from being stung. A red welt came up on my skin but went away shortly after. I did take a benadryl maybe 5 - 10 minutes after being stung, so maybe that's why I didn't have much of a reaction, but I feel like I got off easy- everyone I've talked to has described being stung by these guys as feeling like someone lit a match under your skin. Some people have numbness and tingling, and apparently temporary paralysis is not uncommon as they unleash a neurotoxin. I'm wondering if it accidentally brushed me, which someone said no way, or if it kind of missed. Apparently they have two kinds of venom- one for killing their prey and one for warning predators off- so maybe I just got the warning venom. Either way, I'm afraid that next time (which I hope there isn't one) I get stung, it will be unexpectedly horrible.

Both of these guys have been big, adult scorpions. After this morning, I feel like I'm being targeted. I thought with my animals sleeping in the bed with me they would avoid me, because, you know, dogs and cats seem like predators of scorpions. But apparently not. I have no idea how I'm going to sleep tonight. Probably very lightly.

Apologies for not having pictures, but I am not the kind to sit still while there is a deadly insect on me/walking toward my face. As it is, I'm sitting in my desk at work whacking myself at every little tingling sensation on my skin.

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You're like coming home!

~me, getting into my English saddle for the first time in months!

Finally, after weeks of waiting for 1) good weather 2) Sienna's feet to grow out 3) my knee to have a good day 4) just plain free time, the planets aligned and I was able to try Sienna out English. I think she makes a cute hunter pony:

In addition to throwing a new saddle and closer contact riding at her, I decided to go ahead and throw a new bit and bridle at her, too. Why not overload the circuit board on the first day? She was a little unsure about the bit at first, but otherwise, she handled it like a champ.

We did lots of trotting out, figure eights, and worked on getting on the bit. I think she likes the freedom that comes from a less bulky English saddle, and, on my end of it, I think the closer contact was easier for her to understand. The second time we rode English, I asked for the canter, and it was so pleasant I didn't know what to do with myself. I stopped with the circles and let her navigate my perilous backyard, full of fencing, pipes from the underground tank, and trees. And we cantered through it all, no problem, stopping immediately upon my "whoa". Apparently it was more than my roommate's foal could handle, as she took off and ran around the pasture in a frenzied fashion for about 10 minutes, but Sienna didn't care at all. I think she's just so lazy that the thought of being stirred up by the crazed baby didn't even cross her mind.

As Sienna was listening so well, I decided to go out for a "hack" down my road. We had to stop briefly and eyeball a road sign that signified a sharp turn ahead, but then I asked her to go around it, and she was like "sure thing". We went up and down the embankment several times without issues. On our way back home, a rabbit ran out in front of us, and I locked up like I did with the deer from several posts back. Sienna didn't bat an eyelash. She definitely saw it, but the only one that jumped was me- and I don't think she even noticed that.

Man I wish Chica was sound so I could force someone to go trail riding with us!

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Money money money money... MONEY!

Own animals, and at some point or another, you will probably have a medical emergency. Or several. At the same time.

I balk at taking myself to the doctor when I'm sick. "I don't want to pay the $35 co-pay! I'll just take an Advil and hope for the best." But when something happens to one of my animals, to the vet we go.

Ramses had been acting for the last 2 weeks like he was trying to start up another bladder infection. He had been licking his genital area repeatedly, but his urine production was normal, and he wasn't in and out of the litter box like last time. I had been monitoring his output like a crazy person, and I was just starting to think we had nipped it in the bud, when Wednesday, it decreased exponentially. That evening, it was down to a trickle.

I took him to the vet the next morning, and they did an urinalysis, which came back saying he had a bladder infection and crystals in his urine. They decided to keep him for the day to see if his output would increase, to make sure his urethra wasn't blocked- a life-threatening emergency that can and will end in a painful, horrible death if not treated. Basically, the urine backs up in the bladder, which can result in severe kidney failure*.

They sent him home with me yesterday evening and told me he had not urinated all day, so I needed to watch him. If he still hadn't urinated by morning, I needed to bring him back in.

I brought him home and set him up in my bathroom. Several times he got in and out of the litter box- nothing. Not even a drop. He was also walking a little funny. Otherwise, he ate a little, he drank some, he rubbed on my legs, he played with some toys, he climbed into a plastic bag, and he laid next to me, purring. But the no urine thing was making me more and more nervous. Finally, I called my vet's emergency number.

He told me he would meet me at the clinic at 10:15 that night, and he would probably have to catheterize Ramses. Fortunately, he said he would not charge me the emergency fee. I dropped Ramses off and gave him lots of loving (and apologies for having to leave him). The vet called me right before 11 last night to let me know that he had gotten the catheter in with no problem and he would call me with an update in the morning.

I called first thing when the clinic opened to see how Ramses had passed the night. They said he was doing well, and I could come visit him if I wanted. I went on my lunch break to see how my little boy was doing.

Not a happy camper with his IV and catheter

When we went back and the tech first opened the cage, he hunkered down, not wanting to be touched or messed with anymore. But when I said, "Ramses", his head shot up, his eyes met mine and lit up, and he started purring and kneading his paws from the moment I started scratching his head. He spent our entire visit purring and rubbing on me. It made me feel happy for myself, but I felt so bad when I had to stand up, shut the cage, and leave to go back to work. I probably cried the whole way. Due to his catheter leaking, his underside was damp and soiled, as was the towel he was laying on, so I had some techs get him a new, dry towel so that he would be more comfortable. The vet found me and told me that Ramses had been blocked, but there was no blood in the bladder, so it was caught early, which I am very thankful for. He said they will probably take the catheter out tomorrow morning, and then Ramses can hopefully come home Monday.

I miss my cuddlebug so much. This weekend won't be the same without him. But I am so grateful that he is doing better. I feel like God has really showed me how much He loves me through this experience- especially with the "Don't worry. Just smile." billboard I suddenly noticed on my way back from visiting Ramses, while I was thanking God for taking care of him.

*Unfortunately for me and everyone else who has a male cat, urethra blockage is very prevalent in male cats, who have very tiny urethras. Female cats' urethras are larger in diameter, meaning crystals and other things that don't belong in the urine can pass through safely. Crystals form in urine that is not at the correct neutral pH- struvite crystals form in alkaline urine, and oxalate crystals form in acidic urine. Ramses had struvite crystals in his urine. One way to combat this problem is to make sure your cat gets PLENTY of water so that his urinary tract is continually flushing out. Cats do not have a good thirst response and therefore do not get the water intake they need from just drinking. Adding canned food to your cat's diet helps him to get the water that he needs while he is eating. Plus, a lot of cats think they are receiving a special treat whenever canned food is offered! Ramses will now have to be on a prescription diet for the rest of his life that helps prevent crystals from forming- there's a dry food and a canned food- but paying for that is better than paying an emergency vet bill to get him unblocked again!

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Eek!

Fiona earned her keep the other night.

My roommate and I were sitting on the couch watching tv. I was eating dinner and therefore not really paying attention to anything going on around me. Meanwhile, my roommate noticed that Fiona kept staring at her. She did the whole is-she-looking-at-me glance a couple of times, then finally realized she she was looking slightly over her head. She turned around to look behind her. Here's how it went from my POV:

*roommate turns around, looks right over the top of my head, and INHALES SHARPLY*

I don't know how I managed to keep my food from flying off my plate, but I leapt off the couch, screaming "WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT IS IT??", thinking there was like a hive of wasps landing on my head. Then, I turned around to find this crawling across the curtain right above where I had been sitting:

Safely (?) ensconced in the trash can

With its tail extended (how it was walking), it was about 3" long. I said a few choice words, then yelled "Get a trash can!" and ran for the fly swatter. I was afraid it was going to get to the end of the curtain and abandon ship, and then I'd have to move because I'd know it was hidden in the house somewhere. I don't do scorpions.

Fortunately, we were able to knock it into a small trash can, and then we took it outside. I foolishly tipped the trashcan where I couldn't see it, and it shot out of it faster than we expected- thankfully the opposite way from my foot. She got a few good stomps in and crushed it.

Fiona got lots of extra lovin' that night.

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Phew

So, with everything going on from my aunt's wreck, to my roommate going out of town (meaning I had to care for her horses), and my landlords going out of town (also meaning I have to care for their many, many animals), there has not been a lot of time for my own ponies. Well, in the riding sense, at least.

Due to either a fly allergy or an allergy to the goat weed that is growing taller than my head in some places, Sienna currently looks like a mange patient, effectively halting our show aspirations next month ("Hello, judge. Why yes, this is a Mexican Hairless Paint, thanks for noticing."). I have given her more baths, loaded her with more fly spray, Corona (the cream, not the beer) and aloe cream, and stared in hopeless despair at her more these last couple of weeks than possibly I ever have Chica in the 11.5 years I've owned her (slight exaggeration).

Close up of her flank

Fortunately, since locking her up away from the pasture (and other horses, much to her chagrin), she has not developed any new spots, and she doesn't seem as itchy- making me believe my goat weed theory is correct. Most of her other spots seem to be healing/regrowing hair, minus one over her tail head that the flies love to dine on (oh, add "Fly Rid" to the list of healing ointments). In addition to her skin problems, she was having a lameness issue due to some hoof that just broke off one day because of a) how dry it has been and b) being overdue on having her feet trimmed (totally my fault, but not due to lack of trying). Her foot is very short right now, and the plan is that it will grow back out without breaking again. She seems to no longer be lame, but I don't think she's quite 100% back to normal. Ack, horses.

I was able to longe her yesterday, and I was surprised at how good/responsive she was. She was heavy on the longe line but not actually pulling me around. We worked on some showmanship afterwards, and in spite of her no longer remembering how to set up, I was very pleased with how she did. She's really learning to read my body language so that I'm not constantly having to get after her.

Once I feel like she's sound enough to ride again (and I'm no longer having to feed/water my landlord's dog, 500 cats/kittens, 2 male Boar goats that are "in the mood", and 5 chickens), I'm hoping to start riding her English. I've been very excited to start, but it seems like things keep cropping up.

As for my aunt's wreck, I am very happy to say that my last cousin that was still in the hospital got to go home yesterday. In spite of all of their injuries and pain, they were all very happy to be together again. Healing will take time physically and emotionally, but it could have been so much worse. We have been so blessed with friends and family. I am so grateful for all of the people who have texted, called, and emailed me to check on the girls and see how they are doing and to let me know that they are praying about them. I even had a guy that I'm barely acquaintances with email me at work and offer to donate blood for them. So many people that have never met my family and that don't live anywhere near them have offered their help, should we need it. In a time where I was feeling bitter, angry, and just plain sorry for myself, God has really opened my eyes to how giving and compassionate people can be- in more ways than one.

A month or two ago when I decided to go ahead and have a neurectomy performed on Chica, I hung up with the vet after hearing the cost feeling dejected and despairing. I had several friends very nicely tell me they would loan me the money if I needed it. I declined- I have the money, the cost would just wipe out most of what I have- but I spent many a sleepless night crying/worrying over what I was going to do.

Enter a lady that I have never met, a total stranger. My roommate was telling her about Chica and about how the surgery was going to be so expensive. She told her to have me send her a flyer about Chica that she could pass around her office and try to raise money for it. It was nice enough that someone was willing to go to bat for me- especially someone who didn't know me- but when she emailed me the total she had raised a couple of days ago, it was like... I don't know. I still don't think it has hit me. It probably won't until I go in to have to pay for the surgery and they say, "$__ amount was raised, you only owe $___". One guy donated a 1/3 of what was raised out of his own personal checking account.

I may never meet these people. I intend to send them a nice card with my thanks hopefully as jubilantly expressed as I can word it. I just can't believe that strangers would give so much money to a random girl and her horse so that the horse doesn't have to live in pain anymore.

I'm waiting for the vet to call me to set up an appointment to get the surgery done. I'm worried about how it will go, but I'm trying to not worry about it until the day of. There are too many other things to worry about right now- like, hopefully the pen Sienna is in is still standing when I get home from work!

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Blessed.

Last Monday, I was at the vet with Ramses for a little spot over his eye that would not go away. He was rubbing and rubbing it and making it worse. While I was in the little room waiting for the tech to come in, my mom called me to tell me that she was on her way to Austin, as my aunt and cousins had been in a wreck. At that point, we didn't know details, so we didn't know how bad it was.

As it turned out, my aunt was driving to meet my grandparents so that one of my cousins could stay with them for a couple of days, when an oncoming car suddenly veered into her lane, causing an unavoidable head-on collision. The cars were traveling probably around 70 miles an hour. The other car, a Mazda SUV, immediately caught on fire and spun into a ditch. The pregnant driver and her two young sons were killed.

My aunt's minivan spun around so that it ended up facing the opposite way in the road. She saw the other car catch on fire, and she could even feel its heat through the closed minivan. She stumbled out of the van, yelling at her kids to get out of the car in case the fire spread. The lock system on the minivan had shut down, however. At this point, a couple of men had stopped and were working frantically to get the door open to get my cousins out. They ripped the handle off the door. They ended up having to break a window to get the kids out. They got my cousins out one at a time and asked them to sit patiently in the grass, away from the accident. 

Meanwhile, my aunt, who knew her leg was broken, tried getting around the car to the kids. She stepped on her injured leg and fell in the middle of the highway, unable to get back up. One of the men carried her to the kids. 

According to one of the girls, a lady "held up a blanket to shield them from the smoke of the burning car" while they sat there. 

I'm going to take a minute to say how grateful I am to all of these strangers that helped my family. From helping them out of the car, to shielding them from the horrific scene of a car on fire with people inside- I tear up just thinking about the kindness of all of these people. I know you'll never see this, but thank you so much.

Two of the girls were life-flighted to the hospital, and my aunt and the other girl were taken in an ambulance. They later discovered that the daughter taken in the ambulance was worse off than they had originally realized. 

My aunt had a collapsed lung, cracked ribs, a broken nose, a broken leg- and her heel was shoved up into her ankle, severing the tendons and ligaments in the process.

The oldest daughter had a broken collar bone, cracked ribs and sternum, and compression fractures in her spine. She also had to have surgery for internal bleeding from her intestines.

One of the younger two, K, had low to medium spleen and liver injuries, a broken arm, and compression fractures in her spine.

The other girl, L, had the worst injuries, with a significant spleen injury, a badly broken arm, and a fracture in her spine. 

At this point, my aunt and K have been released and are at home recuperating. The other two girls were moved out of the ICU today to "regular" rooms in the hospital and are progressing. The oldest one, however, has developed a stomach bug, which requires her to be confined to her room. The girls all have to wear back braces for the weeks to come, and L's back brace will have other attachments to it because of the fracture in her spine.

I got to visit with them on Saturday, before K & my aunt were released. K was in very good spirits, and she got out of her wheelchair several times and walked around. My sister painted the nails on her hand not in a brace. I gave her a Tangled barbie doll, which she informed me would go into the overflowing Barbie basket they had at home (lol). She carried it around the rest of the time she was in the hospital.

When I went to visit L, she didn't say anything, just laid in her bed dully while a nurse fussed over her. She did reach for my hand, however, and when I told her I had gotten her a gift, she looked at it. I told her I was going to set it with her other gifts, and she nodded her head. She was just so hopped up on medications that she couldn't really interact very much.

The older daughter had about had it with visitors and nurses, but she was talking. I showed her the book I had gotten her (she reads everything she can get her hands on), which she fortunately had not read yet. Her biggest concern through all of this is the fact that two of their Nintendo DSs were broken in the wreck. Fortunately, they found one of them still working- hers. "But when we get new ones, we'll have 3 extra chargers! What will we do with all of those???" Haha.

We were sitting with K when they wheeled my aunt in to see her for the first time in almost a week. There were no dry eyes in the room... well, except for K, who informed her mom that it was ok to cry, because a lot of people cried when they were happy. My aunt got to visit the other two girls in their rooms as well, where K constantly made sure that no matter who they were visiting, her mom still knew she was in the room with her.

It will take some time to heal the physical reminders of the wreck. I don't know how much longer the other two girls will have to be in the hospital. It will take more time to heal the emotional trauma from the wreck. The oldest daughter has really been in a state of shock, even a week later. Healing will be painful, especially for my aunt and her dislocated ankle.

But I am so grateful to God for protecting my family through this. I am so grateful that He has blessed us with all of the people who have helped them- from the doctors and nurses working around the clock, like the one who worked tirelessly and a little sneakily to try and figure out what to do about L's internal bleeding, to the state troopers who have come to the hospital to check on the girls continuously, to the friends of the family who have either made the drive to the hospital and/or volunteered to sit in the room with the girls for a night(s) so that they didn't have to be alone, to my own family, who has dropped everything to go and help my aunt and uncle through all of this. I feel like I can't thank God enough for sparing my family, for giving them another chance, for being there with them in the wreck.

I am so sad about the fate of the other family in the wreck, and I don't know the answers for what happened to them. I think about the left behind husband and family all the time. The wife, who was my age, was preceded in death by a sister, who was killed in a horse-riding accident. I can't even imagine what her family has already been through, or what they're going through now.

They think that the reason the woman swerved into the other lane is because one of the kids climbed out of his car seat, and she was trying to deal with him. It's something any of us would do- and because of it, I'm laying down my phone when I drive. I'll be the first to admit that I text message while I'm driving, but not anymore. It's not worth it. Take your eyes off the road for one second, and your family ends up grieving over your body- or another family's life is changed forever.

Be safe out there. If not for yourself, think of the other people on the road.

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